my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
