The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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