I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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