Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
