You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
