I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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