proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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