i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
