my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
