I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
