If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize