Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
