There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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