I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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