I wanna passion pit in your ass
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
