I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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