____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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