at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
