Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
