if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
