Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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