I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
