gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
