It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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