he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize