I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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