I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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