I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
