Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
