It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It's rum buckets o'clock
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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