Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
