How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
