i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
