So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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