Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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