we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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