when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
