where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
