I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize