So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
she woke up with a sticky ear
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
