i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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