Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
