The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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