Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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