Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize