Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize