matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
