k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
