sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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