Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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