Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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