did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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