Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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