somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
