I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
